Toddlers are actually geniuses at pressing every single button, even buttons you didn’t even know you had. They’re delightful little darlings showering you with hugs one minute, and then bolting on a full-on meltdown because you’ve presented them with the wrong coloured beaker. Ring any bells? If you’re reading this nodding your head while also wishing you could escape to the loo for a five-minute break from it all, you’re definitely not alone.
The truth is, testing behaviour and toddler tantrums are part of the developmental process. But comforting yourself with that fact doesn’t make it any less exhausting when you’re in the middle of it. The upside? There are tons of strategies that can help you remain sane when your child is stuck on testing every boundary you’ve ever set, whether you are a parent or foster carer.
Why Toddlers Test Boundaries
Before we move on to the survival strategies, let’s get a little background about what’s actually going on in your toddler’s developing brain. From ages one to three, children are making enormous changes in development. They’re learning to be self-sufficient, acquiring language skills, and trying to understand the world around them, all with pretty rudimentary emotional regulation skills.
When your toddler throws themselves on the supermarket floor when you won’t get them chocolate, they’re not attempting to be particularly bad. They’re simply acting out big feelings with the only tools they have. Their prefrontal cortex (the bit that handles self-control and rational thinking) won’t develop until they’re firmly in their twenties, so patience isn’t really their forte just now.
Limits testing is also the way in which your toddler learns about cause and effect. They are little scientists really: “What will happen if I chuck this food on the floor?” or “What will Mummy do if I say ‘no’ to everything today?” It exhausts us, but it’s actually clever in a way from their perspective.
Identifying Your Personal Triggers
Step one in staying calm is identifying what infuriates you. Do you get more upset when you are tired, hungry, or in a rush? Are there certain behaviours (such as whining and defying) that wear on you more than others? Do you become anxious or snappish when other individuals are around and you worry about being judged as a parent?
Take a moment to reflect on your own triggers. Once you know them, you can start to prepare in advance for them. If you’re crabby if you’re not fed, pack snacks with you and your toddler. If you find your patience thins when you’re rushed, try to build in extra time into your day where you can.
The Power of the Pause
When your toddler is in full-on tantrum mode and your blood pressure is ready to blow, the best thing you can do is stop. Take a deep breath – or several deep breaths – before you respond. This gives your nervous system a chance to calm down and prevents you from saying something later that you will regret.
If need be, it is perfectly acceptable to tell your child that, “Mummy needs a moment to calm down” and step back for a moment (keeping your child safe, of course). This isn’t being weak or giving in; it is teaching your child great emotional control.
Try giving counting to ten, deep breathing, or even a speed body scan to loosen tension from your shoulders and jaw. These practices might feel a little silly at first, but they actually do work when practiced regularly.
Practical Strategies for Difficult Moments
When prevention is impossible and you are faced with managing challenging behaviour in the moment, having some strategies up your sleeve can be a salvation. Start by trying to get down to the level of your toddler. This lessens their sense of threat and allows you to communicate more effectively.
Talk softly and calmly, even when you are not feeling calm inside. Children often mirror our energy, so feigning calm (even a bit forced) will more likely calm them down too. Express their feelings: “You’re really upset that we have to leave the park. That’s hard.” This usually works better than reasoning with them or dismissing their feelings.
Sometimes, distraction is wonderful. A goofy song, a silly voice, or narration of something funny will break them away from their emotional slide. Sometimes, however, they just need to be heard and comprehended.
Building Your Support Network
Toddling can be very isolating at times, especially when dealing with challenging behaviour. Don’t underplay the value of discussing things with others who understand what you’re going through. Whether it is a local parent support group, an online community, a foster carers group if you are fostering, or just a friendly neighbour with similarly young children, having people to complain to (and share a laugh with) can be a godsend.
It’s also worth having practical support systems in place. Can a family member help with childcare occasionally? Is there a trusted friend who could take your toddler for a few hours so you can recharge? Even a couple of hours off can help you return feeling more patient and emotionally available.
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish
This might be the most important point of all: caring for yourself isn’t selfish, it’s important. You can’t give from an empty cup, and trying to parent when you’re completely exhausted isn’t doing anyone any favours.
Self-care is not about expensive spa days or weeks of vacation (although those are lovely if you can afford them). It might be as simple as enjoying a good cup of hot tea, being able to take a shower without someone banging on the door, or getting in bed half an hour earlier. Find small ways to take care of yourself throughout the day.
Exercise every day, even walking around the block, is a miracle worker for stress and patience levels. If you can’t get out, have some home videos of easy stretches or yoga during nap time.
Remember That This Phase Will Pass
On the worst days, when your toddler has tested every shred of patience you possess, remind yourself that it will pass. The intensity of toddlerhood is not permanent, and the skills you are learning now, both for your child and for yourself, will see you through the rest of parenthood.
Every parent loses their temper every now and then. The crucial issue is how you apologise and move on. If you lose your temper, it’s all right to apologise to your toddler and try again. You’re human and showing them that humans make mistakes and that next time we’ll get it right is in itself a lesson.
Be kind to yourself, celebrate the little victories, and remember that surviving toddlerhood with your head held high is a learned phenomenon, for both you and your toddler.
